CONTACT Linda

801-971-5349 call or text linda@bountifulmusicacademy.com

ADDRESS

130 East 1500 South Bountiful, UT 84010

Bountiful Music Academy

Adolescent Surprises

Not long ago I attended a Wendy Stevens workshop and learned some things about teens that surprised me. Since most of you either have adolescents (age 11-19) or soon will, I’d like to share what I learned.

1. Teens go through a basic brain reorganization and many of their pre-existing synapses are eliminated! Their limbic system develops earlier than the prefrontal cortex, so emotions are often exaggerated. (That part wasn’t surprising.) Interestingly, they have an enhanced dopamine response, even greater than adults, so this is why they are more susceptible to addictive behaviors.

2. We should not shut down teens’ emotions, but *help them find safe ways to express them. It’s normal for them to reach out to their peers more. They are also very open to change and have a fascination with life. (Remember those “wonder years?”) Teens are good at thinking outside the box and finding better ways of doing things. So, listen and consider their thoughts.

3. Teens are hard on themselves and often have ANTS (automatic negative thoughts.) Girls are especially prone to putting themselves down. So, help them reframe their struggles. “If you keep trying, it will happen. You haven’t succeeded yet. But, I know you can!”

Try these *Two Minute Checkins:

Hi, Low, Buffalo (anything). “Tell me a high point/low point of your day.” Gives your child a chance to get something off their mind, or share a great moment.

What do teens need most these days?

Teens need adults who understand attachment and how to validate each teen’s experience and emotions. Attachment can happen, not just in infancy, but in adolescence and early adulthood.

Attachment allows us to trust others and form friends. It also helps us learn effectively and see ourselves worthy of love. Teens need to feel Safe, Seen, Soothed, Secure, and these all affect their Creativity.

Safe - teens are looking for safety in our face, voice, and words. If they have a problem or question, they will be checking our emotional state to see if it’s a good time to bring it up. We can give them clues about their emotional safety with us. “Even though I’m upset about ____, I’m not angry at you. I still want to hear all about your day.”

If your face is flat (emotionless), that is almost always seen as “a negative” to a teen. How we greet a child sets the tone for a teen to feel safe or not.

Seen - Teens need to feel seen without judgment. If you notice a negative vibe coming from them, they want someone to try to under-stand and validate their feelings. “It seems like you are feeling a little off today. Are you OK? Did something happen?” But, don’t try to fix it.

Soothe - It’s not about solving the problem; it’s about soothing them and allowing them to share it. Take time to empathize. “That must be so hard…”

Security - Taking time to understand a teen’s challenge leads to their emotional security. They will share more of their thoughts and be more honest about their feelings.

Creativity - All of the above are necessary for optimal creativity. A child who is well-adjusted hasn’t achieved that by accident. They have people in their life who take time to hear and understand them, to soothe them, and let them express their challenges without jumping in to fix them, unless they ask for help.

Remember, parents/teachers: it’s not about you. (Don’t over-react.) What teens dish out to you is NOT about you. But what you dish back to them IS about you. (What is in my background that made me react that way?)

Super practical things to do:

• Who instead of Do - validate who they are as a person (respected, beautiful, successful, etc.)

• Make it a point to check in with them.

• Ask permission to give feedback. “Can I give you some pointers on ________?”

• Do frequent self-awareness checkups. (Why am I feeling ________?”)

• Involve them more. “What is your opinion on _______?” And then try their suggestion.

• Tweak your verbiage with positive anchoring:

Positive Validations for Teens

“You are so smart!”

“I enjoy ________ about you.”

“I love your _______”

“You have such a __________.”

“The way you _______ just makes me smile.”

Notes from a Wendy Stevens workshop "Teaching Teens: What Researchers, Therapists, and Teens Wish You Knew." 2024

Recommended Reading:

Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Lisa Damour, Ph.D

The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents by Lisa Damour, Ph.D

The Power of Showing Up by Daniel Seigel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D